Three Reasons Why I Hate Christmas

“I hate Christmas.” Followed by a shocked face and instant judgement. This is how my distaste of Christmas goes down 100% of the time. People always think I’m some sort of a stone-cold, empty-of-emotion human being for not liking Christmas, but that’s not true at all. I don’t see Christmas as a time of joy, celebration and love. I see it as an inconvenience. A disruption to my life, if you will. There are many difficult challenges that can be taken on in life, but fitting the main reasons I hate Christmas into just 3 was one of the most difficult.

Christmas lasts 3 days, not 3 months

Okay, I’m going to make this point once, and once only. The last time I checked, we celebrate Christmas on the 24th, 25th, and 26th. That’s when the banks close, when the shops run on ‘Sunday hours’, when (most) people have the days off work etc. etc. Why on earth do people feel the need to decorate their houses, shops and streets in the ‘spirit of the tackiness’ as early as November 1st? This is not normal. It’s not natural. It’s like Skiing on grass, it’s just weird, and it needs to be stopped.

Similarly, it theoretically ends on the 26th, you could say the 5th of January, because of the whole ‘Twelve days of Christmas’ thing, but still, once again, people feel the need to leave their decorations out until February. When I come to power, this will be illegal.

Stop sending Christmas cards, paper doesn’t grow on trees

A Christmas card is the most utterly useless, and meaningless inconvenience you could possibly present to another human being. It is, in essence, an A5 piece of folded paper, containing a painfully ordinarily dull message. Its main purposes are: falling over when walked past; collecting dust; popping holes in the bin bag whilst throwing out.

The world is on standby because of ‘Christmas’

“Your parcel will be delivered later than expected, due to a high volume of requests”. This is Christmas in a single quote. Everyone’s life is put on hold because of the traffic, queues and delays. Christmas is the life event equivalent of a contra-flow.

Other reasons that didn’t make it into the top 3 are:

  • Michael Bublé coming out of his cave
  • Christmas trees and the mess they make
  • It ruined the wonderful season that is winter
  • Christmas carols
  • Christmas pudding
  • Tacky Christmas lights
  • The TV schedule is an exact copy & paste from the past 5 years
  • Christmas jumpers
  • The Spanish ‘Running of the bulls’ event was actually inspired by Christmas shoppers

There it is, send the haters. Christmas has spiralled out of control and has turned into a huge marketing scheme for those easily influenced to purchase tacky ornaments. If you have any complaints about this article, please send them to complaints@stantaisnotreal.com

Bah, humbug.

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